A letter to Mom

I'm not writing this to prove anything I'm not writing this for anyone honestly but for my mom who did want to know what was going on in my life. At times i shut her out (and other people) ...i wanted to make her feel bad for leaving us but what does this solve. knowing that i never got the opportunity to say good bye to her. she is physically gone but i do feel her here and knowing that she is with me every day. I guess this is my real chance to take a step back and tell her.. Honestly what I've been up to. I don't even know where to start i guess from the beginning. well at least since i last talked to you, 

Dear Mom, 

               I will honestly say i miss you I miss being able to call you and ask you anything and you would try your hardest to give me the honest truth. Don't get me wrong i have many people in my life that are still doing that for me. Dad, my others moms (Darla, Annie, Mrs. Earle, and many others) your eldest son, Austin, Steven, Stephan, Will, Caleb, Lacy, Tim, Shelia, Zac, Alex, Floor Guy the list keeps going. Stopping and recognizing these people isn't enough anymore it's a matter of I've got to the point, that breaking point where i  need to decide am i going to change and let these people see the real me or am i going to sit behind my "great wall of Phillip." that only people can stand and talk to me through a peep hole and talk to me. there are  many people knocking on my door and i just... literally lay in bed awaiting for myself to get out of bed.... i could keep making excuses all day and reasons why i shouldn't change...why i am OK where I'm at... but honestly mom I'm tired of just getting by i want to look at myself in the mirror and smile and mean it know that I'm proud to be a christian and proud to be ME. I had people tell me prove to me that you give a damn about something other than yourself and of course my response is i will...but in reality i need to prove it to my self that I'm a better person. it's a matter of I'm tired of hurting people. I want to be able to look at my phone and all my contacts and say i could call them and catch up with them and they would want to know whats going on in my life and i know some people would read this and say this person has no idea..and they are right i don't know what it's like to be shot at or have hard drugs in there system or even be left out to die. i don't know if I'll ever understand these things. I want to start making changes that actually mean something, Changes that i again see as being a positive things for my life, in everything i do. You've always known that i have a huge heart for people, the way i show it though has sadly changed. i no longer just accept people for who they are i tend to see the worse in the person and pick at that for a min in my head...i put it back together and from there it's just kinda what happens. I want to get back to the Phil that could look at some one shake there hand and genuinely care about them. I live in a house with 5 other gentlemen every single one of us have our issues not all of them have been resolved in the best manner but we are all still alive :) I want to change i really want to and i am willing to make steps to make my self better. I know I'm a good person. I'm a good person and you know that too. I don't understand why people are drawn to me or like me. I'm ready to take that first step on the stairs. it's gotten to the point where i need to make a conscious decision to not let things control me...i poured all the booze that was mine in the house down the sink i wouldn't have been able to do it with out someone i care about there ... it is something that i don't need at this time in my life and possibly ever i plan on start going to church again, i plan on possibly picking up a shift at work today. I have an appointment with a counselor tomorrow. i'm going to start taking my medicine better. No day but today. No one can make me do anything i have to decide what is best for me. i don't want to push people away anymore. I do want to apologize to anyone that in my past i have hurt and I'm not asking for forgiveness or even redemption i just ask you to hear me out I'm not going to make promise that could easily been broken but i will say i will try my hardest to make strides in finding on what can be fixed again i just need to start taking steps. Time to get out of the mud and start putting meaning to my life. 

                                                              Phillip Hinshaw

If any one else reads this please take this as seriously.If anybody reads this and and wants to talk to me feel free. maybe have some wisdom for me I'd love to hear from any of you. thanks for everything and please keep me in prayer it's a matter still I'm here for all of you even though i at times it may seem i'm not I love you all and thank you for everything! :)

 

Something more

Don't you ever just wonder what am I doing.....why do I get up the same routine every day, is it really worth it do we really secure our future by getting inside friends. Is it really who are as a person, or is it how well we overlap with what someone wants us to be. Is having a good sense of character or even recognized or is that just looked over like many other things that go unnoticed....all I am saying I guess is there has to be something more!

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Tie Your your laces and start walking

Been a while since i wrote anything but i guess there is no better day but today right... over tthis past year i can't say there was't a moment where i did't feel like I wasn't being tested. I've asked my self so many times am I just doing the motions am I really serving my purpose am I taking control of my life and if I am is it showing purpose. Like I said this last year had to have been one of the toughest years of my life. Having to walk every where you have nothing but time to think there would be moments where I just felt my shoe laces were undone and I was emotionally tripping over myself. At times I'd start to question where something was leading want many times nowhere. But in the end I had to make a choice, am I going to keep tripping up on what life can be or am I going to make the choice to show life what I can be. Wake up with purpose my friends you won't regret it

Is this just another day?

The Last Thursday in November marks a day that is celebrated and proclaimed as "Thanksgiving." and yet every year we hear the same sappy thing said..."billy what are you thankful for" "well aunt Jane I'm thankful many things but I'm thankful for family most of all" that is the most common one now trust me I'm not the first to say that is not a great response but...should we have to dedicate a day to something that should honestly just be present in...our life... thankfulness i feel it should be something of our nature..so many times it takes a holiday for us to wake up and see what other people do for us, or just to do good or nice things unto others. I Challenge you not only to tell your fellow family members or even just friends or even your self....what am i thankful and how am i going to strive to make them feel the thanks that they deserve. Don't let it be just another day make every day a day of thanksgiving.

Where to Captain?

Have you ever just wanted to say....OK now what, or now where do i go. That has been a constant quest in my life. There were times where the road has got a bit bumpy, and I really didn't know What to do, Where to go, Who to talk to. I have always made it a mission to get approval from other people of who i am as a person rather than being happy with who i am. I guess you can say making time for friends and the things that were going on in their life was easier than making time for myself and actually enjoying where I was. I've been searching for the man that god wants me to be and more or less where he wants me to go...this sometimes seems almost impossible....for many months i was waiting for god to help me move and decide whats best for my life, but i think he's wanting me to step out of my comfort zone and...honestly just move...i feel like honestly God is trying to pushing me to just do something and know that he's right there beside me... I feel he wants me to learn sometimes in ways that will help me grow so if that by doing something that at the time seems impossible or maybe even improbable...to honestly just put trust and faith not only in myself but in Him and just do it.....it says in Matthew 17:20 "Because you have little faith," he said. "I assure that if you have faith the size of a mustard seed, you could say to this mountain, 'Go from here to there,' and it will go. There will be nothing that you can't do."

So i guess what I'm trying to say, in tough times i feel like it is hard and some time tiring to stop and really think about things like "am i trusting someone that has my best interests in mind, or am i doing what i want to do." Our agenda sometimes over powers what God is puts in our heart. I've personally Caught my self sometimes just taking a step back and saying "Where To Captain?"

Truths Part I

Whats better than telling the truth not a whole lot to be honest..i mean I'm not going to lie because that would be going against what i just said...i have lied unfortunately my fair share in my life so far not only to other people but mostly it seems to myself. i used to walk around carrying my head high even though in all honestly i wasn't happy. I fooled myself into believing that by not sharing with people how i truly was, that i wasn't hurting anyone, but in reality i was I was not only hurting myself I was hurting everyone that cared about me. Looking back i have hurt so many people that i deeply cared about and the time has come to own up to it. Even though probably they will never read this i want to announce publicly that..yes i have cheated on previous girlfriends both to be exact...not proud of this. I have also said hateful things about other people behind their back not meaning to hurt anyone but in the process...hurting some one. Wronging people like this isn't worth it....nor is it fair to your self or them.Trust is something that it seems our world struggles with and when it bulls down to it and when you show a lack of trust or integrity it's hard for people to believe anything you say. Making steps to change is hard, but being open and accepting advice from people that are close to you...i believe will help me become the person that god has sent me here to be. I hope that anyone that reads this see's and remembers that yes we are forgiven from god and his mercy but that everyday we should try harder and harder to be a better people and to show love to people that we couldn't show with out him!

Making the next step

Well wowie zowie it's been a while since i blogged! lately I've been working my hardest on "making the next step" along with come lately it seem like stress. it seems like I'm second guessing my self in every thing i do not only about who i want to be but also who i am becoming. Yesterday was Easter Sunday the Day that the my faith says that god rose from the dead. Now this is all good and what not but again how am i putting this into action. i can walk day in and day out talking about how my life is changed because I've accepted Christ but unless I'm putting my words to the test and i am showing gods love though my actions these words are just dead...and as we know dead things well there just dead. and as we know Christianity is a living faith and that you not only have to walk daily in faith but you have to act our actions have and will always speak louder than words so i challenge you lend out hand and show how much you love god by loving some one else in maybe in a way your uncomfortable with :)